It’s ok. I’m still new at this. Will take some getting used to but it’s worth it. I’m not one for yearly resolutions but I’ll stick to this one.

Other things I hope to do by the end of the week:

1. Post Ebay listings. I have too many things I’ve never even touched.
2. Return/exchange Christmas gifts.
3. Check PO Box.

Hard to believe Nov of 2008 was the last time I posted.

So much has changed since then, as one would expect, more than a year later. New beginnings, and also a few goodbyes.

I guess you can say 2009 was a year of reflection for me. I think I’m too broken to be fixed but I’m trying to put myself back together as best I can. And that was the majority of my 2009, trying to correct so many wrongs.

For the past couple years it seems like I’ve been living in some half-conscious state of mind. I’ve been going about things, making decisions that led to dead ends without really thinking about further down the road. Thinking too much with my heard and not enough with my head. Living at a standstill. Blame it on being young, feeling invincible, feeling like I had all the time in the world to correct whatever mistakes I was making. Well, time is finally catching up and it’s not stopping to wait for me.

So as a result of the stupidity of youth, 2009 was damage control. I had to cut a few losses along the way to really just focus on myself because I’m realizing that that’s the most important thing. Up until now I’ve been putting everyone else’s needs before my own. Feeling like I had to take care of everyone and everything because that’s my nature. But by doing so I was losing myself and at the end of the day, I had nowhere to go. I was so focused on everyone else that I had forgotten myself. I built myself a brick wall.

2009 was the year that I was finally able to say, “fuck this shit.” I reprioritized and put myself on top of that list. So what if I end up looking selfish, I no long cared. I had cared way too much about what others thought before but not t his time around. I finally truly started to understand that when I’m genuinely happy, everything else will fall into place. Well, at least it’s a start. Cliché as it may be, I need to take care of myself before I can really take care of anyone else.

So after that long hibernation, I’m starting to open myself up to the world again, little by little, no rush.

As a way to continue this “quest” I’ve decided to take on Project 365, starting tomorrow. I think it’ll be a really good for me to put things into perspective. Who knows, hopefully I’ll learn something at the end of it. I’m really excited to get started and see where it takes me. For now I’ve dedicated a photoblog for that purpose to keep it separate from this one.

And with that, happy 2010.



Lately I’ve been feeling burnt out. I feel like I’m starting to lose myself again, I feel it slipping away. I can’t tell you why or what set it off. I don’t think it’s any one thing, just a culmination of many little, seemingly irrelevant things. The holidays always make me sad. Much of it has been associated with not so happy memories. When I was younger my parents fought every single holiday. Mom would try to make the most of it for us but there was always something missing from the picture. My dad. Rarely was he around. The holidays meant he would go off to his relatives’ late into the night while mom, Ti, and I celebrated at home. It repeated itself every year.

Since they’ve been apart I’ve tried to find my own tradition but so far unsuccessful. Much of it has been trying to please and make other people happy. Theme of my life. Pleasing others to please myself, finding happiness externally. It works, but only for a short while. Then it’s back to feeling empty. Everything I do is an attempt to fill up that space.

More than once I’ve found myself crying on the road this month alone. Just an overwhelming sense of…nothingness.

This past Thursday was the 100th day anniversary of my grandfather’s passing. Not too long before that I received the home videos of his funeral. Is it sick that I had been looking forward to seeing it? But once it came I wasn’t so sure. I watched it anyway. It was the first time I cried for him since news of his death in August. Is that heartless of me? I know he’s gone, I’m not in denial. But I don’t feel it. His picture is on the altar but never have I acknowledged it. I regret not giving him a proper goodbye before I left. I really believed I was going to see him again. But more than that I just felt disconnected, indifferent.

My brother accused me of being cold to my grandparents during our stay. I deny it but sadly, it’s true. I love them dearly but I did not know how to show it, I still don’t.

My grandparents loved each other dearly. He loved her more than she him. One day I hope to have what they had. And I really thought I did.

He was the right guy at the wrong place and time. It’s something I still struggle with everyday. Fighting off the need to have him in my life when he’s still very much a part of me. I’m trying to live with a piece of my life missing. I don’t know if it’ll ever change. I’ve gotten rid of everything that would remind me of him but I can’t take away the memories. I’m a fool.

I need to find a way to forgive my dad. I don’t think I can unless I talk to him. But I can’t get myself to take the first step to bridge the massive gap between us. I can’t have a normal conversation with him. I can’t speak to him without shaking uncontrollably. I don’t think I can even get myself to look at him. What I see makes me very uneasy.

I need to find myself. Work on me. I need to make something happen.